


I Just Don't Want To

by kizkhalifa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of blood, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Draco, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-03 19:03:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12152880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kizkhalifa/pseuds/kizkhalifa
Summary: Draco's not okay, he hasn't been okay for a long. / "I could tell him... I could live without him but I don't want to. I don't even want to think about it." /





	I Just Don't Want To

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: Draco's mind verses Harry's. How different they are. (1st Person POV)
> 
> Warnings: Depression, panic/anxiety attacks, mention of suicidal intention, mention of blood. Rated: MA

* * *

_"I'm tired and I felt it for awhile  
__In this sea of lonely; The taste of ink is getting old,_  
_It's four o' clock in the **fucking**_  
 _Each day gets more and more like the last day..."_

* * *

**Draco  
** **~;~**

**I**  knew it was coming, how could I not? It had been three years too long. I knew it was coming.

It was only a matter of time before he realized how much of a mess I am. How much of a mess I was, all the time. How long had he been taking care of me? Almost four years.

Even during that stupid bloody 8th Year we forced ourselves through, the only good thing of it was him.

He saved me. More than once, and he had to know it now. I knew this was coming, it was only a matter of time.

My skipped meals, my binge eating, my sleepless nights and depression induced slumbers. The days I kept all the drapes drawn so no light could get in, or the days I laid in bed under the covers too scared to get out. The nights that were filled with alcohol and too loud music and arguments while he tried to save me again. Last year when my magic started wavering because I wasn't strong enough to even cast a simple accio anymore.

It was only a matter of time before he had enough of it, wasn't it? Only a matter of time before he left. Like now.

He was in our bedroom packing a bag, he was in there packing up all he would need and I wasn't it anymore. Me and my fucked up life was too much, I'm amazed he hung on this long.

I couldn't even remember the last time we touched, I couldn't remember the last time he held me when I wasn't having a breakdown. Or the last time I kissed him. I couldn't remember the last date we went on. It had to be sometime during a good bout, for me. Sometime before he asked me to marry him.

The last good bout maybe, sometime last year I think. Before he was promoted? I think. Before he was promoted and then had to step down because I was too much work and he couldn't do both.

He picked me over his bloody career. I was too much for him to handle, with a full time job. That was my fault. At least now he could be happier and focus on his career.

I can hear him crying, but I can't move. I haven't moved for the last fifteen minutes. I'm just standing here in the middle of the den, right at the edge of the hallway. The farthest I got before he turned around and screamed at me to stop.

_Just stop Draco! Fuck!_

So I did. I stopped and haven't moved since. He's crying now, the drawers haven't sounded in a bit I can only imagine him gripping the edge of the dresser, like he does when I won't get out of bed and he has to count to ten to gather his thoughts. He tries to whisper the words but I can still hear them.

_One two three. Four five six. Seven eight nine... Ten._

It's quiet. It helps me too. But, he doesn't know that - I've never told him. I think I'm crying too, maybe he isn't. Maybe it's just me. I feel weak, my knees are shaking but I need to stay standing. I have to be stronger.

If I was stronger he'd probably stay. He'd probably stay with me. But he isn't, because I'm not. I wish I could tell him how much he meant to me.

I wish he knew.

I could tell him now, I could tell him he is my whole life. I could tell him I won't know how to live when he leaves, I barely know how to live with him here. I could tell him... I could live without him but I don't want to. I don't even want to think about it.

I just don't want to.

He's everything to me, Merlin. He's the sun in all my darkness. He's my life, he's everything.

He deserves so much more than all of this. I know he does, I've known it for years. I've known it since the first time he saw me crying in the bathroom our first night back at school for the '8th Year' and instead of making fun of me he picked me up and carried me to the Slytherin Common rooms and made sure I was with Pansy and Blaise. I knew then he was better than me but I clung to him anyway.

The drawers have sounded again, I can hear it closing. I know he'll be walking out soon. I know he won't meet my eye, I know I'm the one crying. It's not him. He's strong, he never cries. He always picks me up, I wonder if he will this time when he walks out that bedroom door, I don't remember falling to my knees but I have. The carpet is soft beneath me, it feels like it's holding me.

I just wish it would swallow me whole and get rid of me.

He's there in the doorway.  _Merlin, isn't he perfect?_

Messy brown hair, it's so soft to touch. I can remember that feeling though it's been awhile. Green, green eyes. They always remind me of the grass, he says they remind him of death. That strong, handsome body that has always protected me, he's a little shorter then I am but I've never felt smaller and safer than I do when I'm in his arms.

"Draco."

He's saying my name, it's soft. He always says it like that, I wish he wouldn't. Not right now, anyway.

"You have to take your medicine."

He's on his knees next to me, but I'm not looking at him, I'm looking at his bag. The bag he just packed, it's right there in front of me.

"You need to take your medicine."

"I know." I don't want to talk about that but he does, so we are. I should look at him but I can't. I can't look away from his bag.

_I knew this was coming._

"Get up, Draco," he's saying, his arms are around me. He's pulling me off of the ground, my feet haven't hit the floor so I know he's carrying me. The bag looks smaller now, and I realize I'm on the couch. "Here."

I can't look at him, so I focus on his hand. A small glass of water and a pill. One of those pills, little blue pill. It's supposed to help with panic attacks but it only makes me feel drowsy. He thinks it's because of the other medicine that's supposed to help me feel better.

He used to not give it to me, but lately he has been. I'm probably easier to deal with when I'm asleep, I think anyway. Gives him a break. Not that it matters now. He's leaving, after all.

I take it. It'll make him happy.

"Draco."

I know he wants me to look at him but I can't because if I did I would say all those things, that he's my whole life, that I won't know how to live when he leaves. That I can live without him but I don't want to.

I just don't want to.

I can't say those things because then he'll stay and I don't want him to stay for that. I don't want to hold him back anymore. He deserves better than me and my problems.

"Did you eat today?"

"Yes."

I'm lying, he probably knows it. It's been four days. He knows that - he alway knows.

"Draco."

I don't want to do this. I can't. I can't physically do this, I can't mentally do this. I think I'm crying again, I wish I'd stop.

"Do you have everything you need?" I shouldn't ask but I don't know what else to say. I can hear him sighing, he's annoyed.

He's mad.

"Your toothbrush? Socks? Razor? Oh... you don't need one you can do magic." I'm just rambling now, he hates when I do that. "Wand?"

"Draco," he's clenched his hand in a fist. He won't hit me, or at least he hasn't ever. He's just mad. "Fucking look at me!"

I do the moment he says to. I have to, I always do exactly what he says. I'm broken like that.

I want to say something but I can't think of anything besides all the reasons he'll stay, and I can't say those now. He'll hate me for it.

"Stop crying," he's pleading. I can see him reaching for me, his hands are on my face but I can't feel them. I can't feel anything. "Please stop."

"Sorry."  _I_   _want to, Harry, more than you know._  I want to say but I don't, I just try to stop.

He's frowning, he's leaned his forehead to mine and shut his eyes. He's sweet, that's how I know he'll stay the moment I say anything. I have to stay quiet. He deserves better.

He deserves the world.

"Why'd this happen," he's asking but I don't have an answer. It's been months since I've been active in this relationship. We both know this.

"Do you have everything?"

If I'm honest I'm hoping he'll say no. He'll say no, I don't have you. And things will be fine. But he doesn't. Instead he steps back and nods.

I knew this would happen. I knew it was coming.

I should have anyway. It should have happened a long time ago, I should have let him go the first night he saw me crying. I should have said something hurtful instead of asking for help.

But I hadn't.

Merlin do I love him.

_I love you Harry Potter._

"I love you too, Draco." He says, and I realize I've said it out loud. My pill is working. I'm too tired, I can't think straight. "I'll check on you in a few days," he's saying. I think he's laying me on the couch but I'm too tired now. I hate these pills, they always do that to me. Make me drowsy. "Please eat, Draco, and don't forget your medicine." He's saying. I can hear him.

_You're my everything Harry. My whole world._

**It's**  dark now, and cold. I don't know how long it's been, I'm still tired. Still drowsy. The medicine hasn't completely worn off but I can move now.

I feel another attack coming on, I need more medicine. He said to take it. I know I should. I have to, he said to.

I find it on the counter, it's there in the bottle. Next to the glass of water. My hands are shaking, I can't even open the bottle, I don't know how to take the medicine if I can't open it.

I can't even take care of myself. How did I think I could do this? On my own? Without him? I need him but he doesn't need me. He deserves better.

He deserves happiness.

_I'm not happiness._

**It's**  morning, the light is shining in through the only opened window, it has to be early though. I can't tell, I think I've fallen asleep at the counter. My head hurts, it's bleeding. The cold floor makes me realize I've fallen again, I'm too weak to stay standing. I'm too weak to get up. I'm too weak to even open the pill bottle to stop the oncoming panic attack.

I know it'll take over in a second. When I fully realize what's happening. I'm starting to piece it together.

_Alone. Harry left. Cold. Bleeding. Fell to the floor. Too weak. Weak. I'm too weak. I can't do this. I'm alone. I can't live without him. I can't do this. I don't want to. I can't._

It's coming. I feel like screaming. My bloody head hurts.

_He deserves better. Better than me. I'm disgusting. I'm a problem. I'm the worst. I can't give him happiness. I can't give anyone happiness. I should die._

I hadn't thought that in a while.

_But it's true. I should die. I can't even stand up. I can't even stop this stupid attack. I can't even think. I'm alone. He's left. He hates me._

I need to take the pill. I need this to stop so I can think. I need to get up, I need to take a pill, I need to eat something. I need to. I can do this.

_You can't._

I need to stop the bleeding.

_You're going to die. You need to die._

I need Harry.

_He doesn't want you. You need to stop. Just stop Draco! Fuck!_

The words are ringing in my mind. I know that's not how he meant them, it couldn't have been. Could it? Harry wouldn't want this. He told me to do something, didn't he?

_Just stop Draco!_

It was something else wasn't it?

_Just stop Draco!_

Maybe that was all. Just stop Draco!

_Just stop Draco!_

_Just stop._

* * *

**Harry  
~;~**

**It's**  dark, but it always is anymore. I can't remember the last time there was light in here. Sometime since his last 'good days', as he calls them.

"Draco?"

It hadn't even been 24 hours, but I knew I'd need to come. Ron didn't want me to. Told me to just leave him alone. I can't do that, I love him.

"Draco?" I don't know why I expect he'll answer, he barely talks anymore. He mostly just stares. It's like he isn't even there, it's like he's gone. I think he's checked out months ago. But, I can't get him to talk about it anymore.

"Dra- oh no."

He's on the ground, in the kitchen. The pill bottle in hand but it's not opened, his head is bleeding. He must have hit it when he fell, why did he fall?

"Draco, get up, baby."

_Why did I leave? Why did I think that was the answer? Why did I think that would be the answer to everything?_ It wasn't. He's cold, he's shaking but he's breathing and that's all that matters.

I pull him into my arms and hold him tightly, he deserves better. He deserves the best and I couldn't give that to him anymore - didn't he realize? Didn't he realize the best was away from me so he could get better?

"Draco."

I can see his eyes fluttering now, the first thing he does is go for the medicine. I don't even think he realizes I'm there, holding him.

"Draco?"

He's looking at me now, his eyes are wide and red rimmed. They're grey as rain clouds, they used to be silver but not anymore. His hair isn't as bright anymore, either, it's faded. I can't remember the last time I saw his hair glow, I can't remember the last time I saw  _him_ glow.

"Put the medicine down."

He does. He always does what I say, the moment I say it.

"Let me fix you, Draco." He nods but I would have anyway. I have to. It's the only thing I can do anymore, make him stop bleeding. I have him up now, in the bathroom, "tell me which one, baby?"

"Dittany."

"What happened?"

"I think I fell."

His voice is weak, he's weak. "How?"

"I couldn't stand? I don't remember."

I've got the bath running now, warm water not too hot. He hates it too hot,  _it's bad for the skin._

"Arms up, Draco."

He does, once again. He always does as I say.

"Okay, let's get you in the water."

"Hot?"

"Just warm." I smile, he does too. It'd had been a long time since I had seen that smile, "just warm."

"Okay."

I sit next to him on the ground, leaning into the tub to help him. "Which one do you want?"

"I don't care."

I grab my favorite of his body wash. The one that reminds me of Hogwarts, it smells like laundry soap and vanilla. It smells like Draco. It smells like the two of us tucked into a bed in the Slytherin boys' dorm. It reminds me of us. I lathered up the washcloth and ran it over his back, arms and chest. I can feel him relaxing into my hands, into the water, into me.

He practically purrs into my touch, his eyes shutting, it had been a long time since we did this. Since I took care of him this way. I should have done it more than I was, I knew that. But it was tiring to take care of him all the time, didn't he realize that? Didn't he realize I needed him to take care of me too?

"Harry." I hadn't heard him say my name like that in a long time, "I'm so sorry, Harry."

Everything is fine. It's not his fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have left last night, I should had been stronger, I should had been better. I could have been but I wasn't. I wasn't any better. "What do you want for breakfast, Draco?"

"Ice cream." He looks at me, a look of worry on his face after he says it. His eyes wide, his mouth in a thin line.

"You know what, Draco?" I run the wash cloth over his head, "you can have anything you want, any time you want."

He looks scared as he looks at me, he looks terrified.

_I wish I could take all of his pain and fears and worry away. I wish I could be better for him, and solve all of his problems._

"Anytime you want, anything you want."

I mean it, and something tells me I should have said this years ago. Maybe when this whole thing first started I should have handled it differently. I should have done better.

"Ice cream," He nodded at me and gave me a brief smile. That smile that I fell in love with. How could I think I was going to let him go?

_How could I have been so stupid?_

"Let's get you ice cream." I grab him from the tub, and hold him close, "we'll get you dressed and full of all the ice cream you want."

"Chocolate chip and cinnamon."

"Cinnamon? Since when?"

He shrugs in my arms, moving to lean against the counter before he stands up with a heavy lean. I dry him off using the fluffy towel he loves most and wrap it around him tightly, "I tried it when I went shopping last time. They had a sample."

That was ages ago. At least four months, he hadn't left the house since the last time he went shopping. He had seen a friend from Hogwarts, Blaise Zabini, and it had triggered a bad attack, one that put him through the wringer. One that was still keeping him locked inside.

He was scared of the outside world so much he hid from it, he hid from me.

"Then we will go get it," I mean it. I would do anything if it would make him happy.

"Go?"

"Yes."

I can feel him tense as I pull the shirt over his head, but he doesn't protest. I know he won't. I'm telling him to do something, he will do it. He always does what I say. I've never pushed him before, to do anything but maybe this is what he needs.

"Cold, still?"

He nods, his eyes meeting mine in the mirror and I give him another smile before grabbing a flannel button up from the closet and putting it around his light weight sweater. "Let's sit you down and I'll get your pants."

"I don't want to go." I hear him from the closet, he's quiet but I still hear him. I need him to go, if he doesn't go... I don't know what will happen. I don't know what it means.

I know he'll go, I've said to. He will. He's broken like that, he needs me. Just like I need him, I've never told him that before.

I could tell him now, I could tell him he is my whole life. I could tell him I didn't know how to live when I left, I barely know how to live when I'm here. I could tell him... I could live without him but I don't want to. I don't even want to think about it.

I just don't want to.

He's everything to me, Merlin. He's the sun in all my darkness. He's my life, he's everything.

I could say that but I don't think it'd change anything. Not right now.

_Maybe it would._

"I don't want to leave you, I need you to go with me." He just stares at me, I'm pulling his pants up, "it can be like a date."

"A date?"

"A date, Draco. We'll get ice cream and maybe walk in the park? You like the park."

"I do like the park."

"So, does that sound good? A date?"

He's nodding but I know he doesn't mean it. I can only hope he will feel better once we get outside. I can only hope.

He's shaking, his whole body is shaking, his hands are grabbing for me. They're weak, he's weak, he can barely grasp at me. I have to say it, because if I don't say it now I'll never say it and he deserves to know. He needs to know.

"You're my whole life." I say and he stares at me, his eyes wide, "I don't know how to live without you, Draco. I could but I don't want to. I just don't."

He's crying but it's different than all those other times. It's a different type of emotion.

"You're everything to me. You're the sun in all my darkness. You're my life, you're everything."

He's grabbing at me, I can feel it but it doesn't feel like normal. It doesn't feel like a hold, it's too weak. I climb on the bed with him, I lay him down, I hold him. He wraps around me tightly. He's against my chest, he's in my arms and I haven't felt this complete in a long time.

I haven't felt this together since  _before_ , since the engagement. The ring he never wears, it didn't fit his finger he said. He had lost too much weight in his hands, it was practically skin and bone. Even now as I held him I felt that.

He was practically skin and bone.

I didn't know that because I hadn't really felt him in a long time. I hadn't touched him in a long time, unless I was picking him up off the ground and giving him medicine. I hadn't felt him in a long time.

"I love you Harry."

He smells like laundry detergent and vanilla, he feels warm, he's in my arms.

"I love you too, Draco."

He's humming, he's giving me a kiss, he's nuzzled against my chest. I think I'm crying, I think he's soothing me, I think he's holding me. I stopped holding him and he's holding me. He's pulled me to his chest, he's rubbing my back.

_You're my everything Draco. My whole world._

* * *

_"Still I can see it coming,_  
While I'm standing in the river drowning  
_This could be my chance to break out.  
_ _This could be my chance to say goodbye._

 

_Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be  
__Now I'm ready to be **free**."  
_ \- The Used, _Taste of Ink_


End file.
